How to live life when it feels like crap

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picture and poem by rupi kaur

One of the things I had issue with, is, well my life in general.

There were constant changes which affected my childhood greatly and I would never know how to be in a place at all. So as you can imagine, I grew up to be a pretty awkward being. It’s like there’s this curse, whenever I am nearly grasping the things I want most, and that I have much the capacity and level to achieve it, it somehow slips away. Let that be about school, opportunities, meeting people and so on, it’s always luring in the corner of life and I always seem to miss its sign. Almost every year, I get sick prior to my birthday, and sick, I mean really really sick, I end up not getting a single birthday celebration, nights out with friends, anything at all. I move to a whole new place about every two years, since I was born. (I’m 21 now so easy calculation, 10 times, but actually more than that if I’ve counted through my memories right)

There’s this constant nagging in my thoughts, always a voice telling me thousand reasons why it CANNOT go well. And yes, maybe the past decade worth of data can suggest me such possibilities to be higher than imagined. But then again, why did I repeat those failures all these years at all?

I would not start analysing all my life and output a solution. Because I’ve already done that. And it didn’t work.

So I am starting another approach. That is, to dig deeper and deeper into the reasons of everything that I am. It is not analysing because I am not collecting any data or making a judgement upon it. Rather, as one answer comes up, I will ask another.  For me, I would start with the question of my strong interest and something I want it to be part of my future: Why study philosophy?

→What would you want to do with that knowledge? → Why would you want to do that with your knowledge? → How would it feel if you accomplish it? → Where would you go? → What is it, that you want to be, to see in this world using, working with that knowledge? → …….

 

Why write?

→ Why do you want others to read your writing at all? → Why write when there are so many talented writers? → What do you feel when you write? → What

 

And the ultimate question is,

Would you keep loving and doing the things you think you love even if people tell you to stop or it gets banned or that you someone tells you you’re not talented or should quit and go on with a better job, or tell you what a failure you are, those voices will evaporate soon enough for you to keep loving it still? Is that what you’re doing right now?

Don’t underestimate life. Life is a risk, everyday is a risk, and it is somewhat rude to life, for us human to think that we are smart, making choices of compromise in order to live a society norm standard of “good life”.

It’s rude to your parents who birthed you, your friends who adore you, and most of all, to yourself. Risk it. Life is worth it, and you know that already. Don’t be afraid to keep asking that question, keep going, keep asking and keep loving life…

How to live life when it feels like crap? Keep asking questions until you get there, until you’re coming up with millions more, keep asking.

mugiho

 

 

 

 

Enduring and continuing

Continuing might be one of the simplest and the most difficult task we are forced to face in life, many times throughout the process of living, and we fail, too many times too. Because there are many reasons not to those things that seemed so important yesterday, that I have more important things to do right now then work for love and dream which all seems totally impossible in real life and that we are too afraid that once we start, there is no going back and now that starts sounding like one of the most common used and pathetic excuse found.

And yet, somehow I end up writing, at night, during the small times in between and when I am in crisis. It’s where I run to, when many things seem utterly impossible and you just feel like throwing everything away, but I notice hey, you’re still writing! and that goes on and on, repeat itself through life.

And I was thinking this after reading this article, and revisiting the latest essay by Murakami, where he talks about writing as a profession. He has talked about the importance of such concentration and the endurance, the power of keep writing, after years and years, for decades, and on and on.

Haruki Murakami: Talent Is Nothing Without Focus and Endurance

Fortunately, these two disciplines—focus and endurance—are different from talent, since they can be acquired and sharpened through training. You’ll naturally learn both concentration and endurance when you sit down every day at your desk and train yourself to focus on one point. This is a lot like the training of muscles I wrote of a moment ago. You have to continually transmit the object of your focus to your entire body, and make sure it thoroughly assimilates the information necessary for you to write every single day and concentrate on the work at hand. And gradually you’ll expand the limits of what you’re able to do. Almost imperceptibly you’ll make the bar rise. This involves the same process as jogging every day to strengthen your muscles and develop a runner’s physique. Add a stimulus and keep it up. And repeat. Patience is a must in this process, but I guarantee results will come.

It’s always hard, especially when there are abundance of things you can do to (literally) kill time and go through reality without facing it at all. It’s so easy to run into another direction if you don’t like it, it’s super easy to give up everything. And so, that is why, now, that we continue the things we know that we love, to endure through the days when you feel like there is no hope at all, but you just want to keep writing for many unexplainable reasons.

And yes, I still get up every morning, feeling shitty about life and wanting to give up everything while reading amazing articles and books but I am writing like this now too, going nowhere maybe, going somewhere, maybe. I don’t know and that’s all good too because I am writing still, and it is a part of me, and some days I would want to stop and throw it all out the window but I have decided to write with my life and I will keep writing no matter yes?

mugiho

 

P.S this beautiful emotional raw article on everything that I am, and one of the reason I can keep standing at all. I really really needed this.

I want to quit. Right now.