Thoughts likes roaming around, meandering through the complicated roads, between the narrow streets of the mind, memories you’ve forgotten you had, emotions and heartaches you’ve forced yourself to forget.
When you let the thoughts dance around on its own, well it brings the unexpected.
That’s one of the reason why I liked keeping my mind constantly filled with something. To keep them moving, associated with something, all the time, would make it impossible for these little moments to pop up in your face with a surprise. I wanted to avoid it, and I did, until a few days ago.
These past few days, my mind seems to have lost it completely, and I am in constant state of surprising myself. One moment, I am a happy being excited for life, and the next, I am remembering the bitter days of the past and crying myself to sleep. It was bad almost a year ago, but it seems worse now. It is when I am staring out the open window, when the wind at the end of summer blows in and rustles your heart. The thoughts gives away to its own way, and it begins walking on its own. When that happens, it is always too late and it slips away. You begin having weird daydreams which becomes hard to distinguish between reality and fiction, you are on an emotional rollercoaster ride, and you start writing a lot. And meaning by “a lot”, literally easily a few pages of notebooks plus word document plus paper edged writings like on the back of a receipt from the supermarket or on a piece of napkin served with coffee.
I began writing series of short sentences. Random sentences created by the flow and meandering of thoughts at the moment. I just write down everything that comes into mind, without really processing whether to write or not. Sole act of writing. The important thing is not to stop. And write in short sentences. Preferably 10 to 15 words, which is about one sentence fitting in the width of my word document.
I am not sure whether this is good or bad because on one hand, I am writing a lot. I get a lot or creative ideas and I want to do a lot of things, all at the same time. But on the other hand, I get tired very easily, and I go down to the deepest point when I feel low. It is difficult to go between the long journey from one point in exhilarating creativity to the depth of despair where you really feel like dying or just fading away into thin air.
It is still an ongoing process, this thoughts meandering.
I will keep you updated. If I can continue to write here. Hopefully.
Keep your fingers crossed for my heart.