A year is ending.

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A year ends.
Yes, it can end. It ends. The numbers on the calendar gets reset from 12 to 1 and we begin again. It is still tomorrow, we go to sleep and the clock passes 12am and it is the 1st of January 2018. How is it so different from waking up to today from yesterday, from today to tomorrow?
A year ending. Meaning that somehow we have lived through 365 days. Waking up, going to sleep, all over again, 365 times. It means that we have aged, straying far out, towards death, that one-way road, we continue to walk, and a year ends I don’t know how many times, in that process.

A year ended. It began with a continuity from the year before, but a new timeline, expanding into all directions unknown. New people entered and exited my life. I met my beloved friends. I flew to Japan after nearly two years of absence. I wrote a lot. I got depressed. My heart broke many times from many different reasons. I ended up with the most beautiful film and words. I roamed through cities with my camera. Photography entered my life, and I never knew black and white street photography could grab my heart like that. I moved to a new house. I finished school. I began working full time. I got sick more than ever. I was always sad and lonely and lost.

It is all in the past now, but it remains. It is not going to disappear and I cannot make it not happen. All I can do is listen to what I was shouting at that time with a calm warm heart. A lot happened. Sometimes, it was too much for me. Being forced to face what you are, what you want, where you want to be, who you want to be with, are tough. The things I thought were me, turned out to be not me at all. It is scary and humiliating and daunting and all the things we despise of.

I sat in front of a mirror and stared at myself at one point this year. I felt I didn’t know what this physical being was, looking back at me. It was me, but not me at all. I was detached from myself a lot of the time, there was constantly me and you inside of I and it confused my mind, it was messy and a chaos. I began to write things I’ve never written. It was not clean and neat, it was raw, depressing and sad. But I wrote it out anyway and said to myself, okay, so this is what I am really feeling, this is what I really wanted to say, this is me, all of it, oh okay. I just kept saying “okay” to whatever came out of me. It didn’t make situations any easier, but it made my heart slightly lighter.

The things that happened in the 365 days, I’ve hated many, loved some, but it is all me, I aged, and added another year to myself.

Goodbye 2017. It is finally, ending.

 

mugiho

 

 

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