When you are immersed in two languages, there is a constant battle between the two in so many different aspects. Which is better to write certain topics. Which can describe this more? I feel like writing in English today. This rhythm is my heartbeat at the moment. I don’t really ask myself, all I do is put myself in the act of writing and strip away any noise surrounding.
Each language is good at different things. It is easier to make an argument in English, it is easier to think in order, logically. Japanese is rich in such vocabularies describing the smallest essence in life, English and Japanese are both amazing for abstract ideas, their flow is beautiful each in its own way. The change in nuance with the slightest alteration in Japanese postpositional particle is amazing, even though it’s my mother tongue, I still get confused or think about it greatly when writing, especially essays and poems.
These two language is how I learned to write myself into the world. I was always awkward, as a child, in my teens, and now 21 and starting life? and still awkward with everything I do, with the world itself. This awkwardness has shaped the distance I keep with others. There is never the acceptance of self in any place I’ve ever been, I have learned to maintain certain space around people to keep myself and also others safe; from the destruction of awkwardness. The two language have shaped me to be who I am now, and are the main reason I write. If I had only one language in my hand, I think I would not have started writing at all.
I’m a human being. I have craved for a place to say the things I want, in such a small voice, but still, I wanted someone to hear my story. I wanted to find someone who knew this rhythm of mine, and I wanted others to explore the new world called “the awkwardness of me” So I write. In two languages. I love them both. So so much.