What it means to be Me

hey im lonely

What it means to be Me at all. Being born into oneself may be one of the most significant moment in any part of life, to be born as you, and just you, not anyone else but you, that is what this life was meant to be wasn’t it? Then why are we all breaking ourselves, turning that miraculous moment into nothing, and trying to wear another mask to keep living? Do you even call that living at all? And yet, why is it so hard to be live as oneself, that self-born into this world without doubt and lies, but just the ultimate passion and truth for life, when did that all disappear and get clouded, it’s so hard to see beyond the mist now.

Trapped in such concrete for decades, now that walls seem too hard and high for me to do something about it. I am scared to step out into the world as who I want to be, I don’t even know whether this self that I want to be, is truly what I want, it can be anyone else’s idea, not mine. I could have copied it through the process of walking in society for too long, believing in someone else’s ideas as mine, where is that line between the outside and the inside world? Such an easy world to get lost, engulfed into the current of information that all seems relevant to one, but has nothing to do with you at all, but you try to stick a part of it to yourself anyways, just in case. It’s scary to try out what you think is you, because it’s so different, it’s so not me, but then, who am I at all?

And the more I ask this question, the more the world becomes like a lie, because I don’t know, you don’t know, they don’t know, we all don’t know. We are all living in the air of uncertainty, and yeah maybe, that’s what it should be. Not knowing is always scary, because we are all precious to ourselves, no? And we would want to protect that self as much as possible. No one wants to die, no one wants to struggle. And yet, we have many walls and holes to get out, get over of, never-ending stairs and the winding road and the curves, I am getting scared, asking myself when is this all going to end? Maybe when I die? And some actually believe so, they are gone like a wind, that does not remain there, but away into the happiness they thought it must exist. But even that is unknown.

There is a reason why we are all alive now, this moment, my hands flying across the keyboards and the words just pouring out, my heart beating and my eyes are reading the words that’s seems to be alive on the screen. Can you believe it? That you’re actually alive here, now, breathing, listening, sitting there on that chair. And can you even imagine? The lives that disappear and reappear in this world every second?

I want to be alive in a moment to be alive, I don’t want to run, because I think it is still worth it no matter how hard it is, because I just want to live, and dying, it seems so scary to me, and most of all, there are millions of things I still want to do, want to see, want to explore and places I want to go, I want to be still alive even though it’s hard because it’s worth it.

Life is about everything, one getting somewhere, nowhere, it does not matter as long as you’re here. As long as you’re waking up every day, your breathing filling a part in this world, that’s more than enough, you know that? But no one tells you that, so I am telling you. I am telling you and you and you and myself and every single being around me, that you deserve to be. I don’t know whether I would be able to say that at difficult circumstances, when some things are just unbearable and intolerable, I don’t know if I can keep standing strong like this, but I will be waking up, always, until my last breath.

It is a risk to live, to be alive, because there’s a way of ending, always. But then again, why even be here at all right? I deserve to be here, as myself. representation of the things I love, the people I adore and love, and myself, itself.

I love and hate all this moment, because some seems good, some seem like crap and a lot of the time, I want curl up and cry. But here I am now, writing like crazy, reading, film and music surrounding me like a sot blanket, the cool metal against you skin, the wind walking through the window, the night seeping in through the curtains and I love it all, I hate tomorrow still, I will be waking up, I love it and hate and I guess that’s what life is.

I’ve still got a lot of years left, I think, at least I still have uncountable things I want to drink in from this world, so it’s not time yet for me to go.

So as I say the last words:

Dear Me You

You are you, no matter what. You are what you are, what you were and what you will be. You are part of every single part of this universe and I love you and adore you, just for that, just for being there. There are plenty of reasons to cry yourself to sleep, and I know how hard those sleepless nights are. But you are alright. Life is life, as it is, no more of less than it could be as it is now. You came here for a reason, and one reason only, to be here as what you are. Thanks for being you, thanks for existing.

From Life

P.S embrace it, while you’re at it okay? Eventually you’re the sort that gets it all, don’t fret too much.

 

 

mugiho

 

How to live life when it feels like crap

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picture and poem by rupi kaur

One of the things I had issue with, is, well my life in general.

There were constant changes which affected my childhood greatly and I would never know how to be in a place at all. So as you can imagine, I grew up to be a pretty awkward being. It’s like there’s this curse, whenever I am nearly grasping the things I want most, and that I have much the capacity and level to achieve it, it somehow slips away. Let that be about school, opportunities, meeting people and so on, it’s always luring in the corner of life and I always seem to miss its sign. Almost every year, I get sick prior to my birthday, and sick, I mean really really sick, I end up not getting a single birthday celebration, nights out with friends, anything at all. I move to a whole new place about every two years, since I was born. (I’m 21 now so easy calculation, 10 times, but actually more than that if I’ve counted through my memories right)

There’s this constant nagging in my thoughts, always a voice telling me thousand reasons why it CANNOT go well. And yes, maybe the past decade worth of data can suggest me such possibilities to be higher than imagined. But then again, why did I repeat those failures all these years at all?

I would not start analysing all my life and output a solution. Because I’ve already done that. And it didn’t work.

So I am starting another approach. That is, to dig deeper and deeper into the reasons of everything that I am. It is not analysing because I am not collecting any data or making a judgement upon it. Rather, as one answer comes up, I will ask another.  For me, I would start with the question of my strong interest and something I want it to be part of my future: Why study philosophy?

→What would you want to do with that knowledge? → Why would you want to do that with your knowledge? → How would it feel if you accomplish it? → Where would you go? → What is it, that you want to be, to see in this world using, working with that knowledge? → …….

 

Why write?

→ Why do you want others to read your writing at all? → Why write when there are so many talented writers? → What do you feel when you write? → What

 

And the ultimate question is,

Would you keep loving and doing the things you think you love even if people tell you to stop or it gets banned or that you someone tells you you’re not talented or should quit and go on with a better job, or tell you what a failure you are, those voices will evaporate soon enough for you to keep loving it still? Is that what you’re doing right now?

Don’t underestimate life. Life is a risk, everyday is a risk, and it is somewhat rude to life, for us human to think that we are smart, making choices of compromise in order to live a society norm standard of “good life”.

It’s rude to your parents who birthed you, your friends who adore you, and most of all, to yourself. Risk it. Life is worth it, and you know that already. Don’t be afraid to keep asking that question, keep going, keep asking and keep loving life…

How to live life when it feels like crap? Keep asking questions until you get there, until you’re coming up with millions more, keep asking.

mugiho

 

 

 

 

Enduring and continuing

Continuing might be one of the simplest and the most difficult task we are forced to face in life, many times throughout the process of living, and we fail, too many times too. Because there are many reasons not to those things that seemed so important yesterday, that I have more important things to do right now then work for love and dream which all seems totally impossible in real life and that we are too afraid that once we start, there is no going back and now that starts sounding like one of the most common used and pathetic excuse found.

And yet, somehow I end up writing, at night, during the small times in between and when I am in crisis. It’s where I run to, when many things seem utterly impossible and you just feel like throwing everything away, but I notice hey, you’re still writing! and that goes on and on, repeat itself through life.

And I was thinking this after reading this article, and revisiting the latest essay by Murakami, where he talks about writing as a profession. He has talked about the importance of such concentration and the endurance, the power of keep writing, after years and years, for decades, and on and on.

Haruki Murakami: Talent Is Nothing Without Focus and Endurance

Fortunately, these two disciplines—focus and endurance—are different from talent, since they can be acquired and sharpened through training. You’ll naturally learn both concentration and endurance when you sit down every day at your desk and train yourself to focus on one point. This is a lot like the training of muscles I wrote of a moment ago. You have to continually transmit the object of your focus to your entire body, and make sure it thoroughly assimilates the information necessary for you to write every single day and concentrate on the work at hand. And gradually you’ll expand the limits of what you’re able to do. Almost imperceptibly you’ll make the bar rise. This involves the same process as jogging every day to strengthen your muscles and develop a runner’s physique. Add a stimulus and keep it up. And repeat. Patience is a must in this process, but I guarantee results will come.

It’s always hard, especially when there are abundance of things you can do to (literally) kill time and go through reality without facing it at all. It’s so easy to run into another direction if you don’t like it, it’s super easy to give up everything. And so, that is why, now, that we continue the things we know that we love, to endure through the days when you feel like there is no hope at all, but you just want to keep writing for many unexplainable reasons.

And yes, I still get up every morning, feeling shitty about life and wanting to give up everything while reading amazing articles and books but I am writing like this now too, going nowhere maybe, going somewhere, maybe. I don’t know and that’s all good too because I am writing still, and it is a part of me, and some days I would want to stop and throw it all out the window but I have decided to write with my life and I will keep writing no matter yes?

mugiho

 

P.S this beautiful emotional raw article on everything that I am, and one of the reason I can keep standing at all. I really really needed this.

I want to quit. Right now.

 

Inside Llewyn Davis (2013)

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When the shadow swallows him into the crowd, when the silhouette of the unseen being, beating Llewyn in the dark alley on a rainy night after the gig, you kind of know that this is not going to be a happy success story and yes, it isn’t. But I loved every bit of it I don’t know how to start talking about it so I will.

This is about a battered singer, still living between the stories and the memories of his partners’ death. But the story of Mike is never told. In a direct sense at least, and yet you feel his presence of him all over the place, from the people around Llewyn, from his music, from his voice and the way he would sing and the reason why he is still singing after everything. And there comes the ginger cat, the cat of the professor, and somehow it ends up with Llewyn, and then becomes part of himself. And as the film goes along, you start to realise that maybe, this cat is sort of Mike, not his reincarnation but like just his presence, and then you feel, yes, it is Mike, he lets you see through, he connects you with the world where you are too stubborn or too tired to try and see, because you don’t seem get along with people as much but you are, and because you sort of know. And now, you’re missing Mike as much as Llewyn is and it feels weird because he never comes out but he’s there anyway.

A lot happens on the course of few days, he comes across people that he thought he would never see again, he meets different artists who are struggling in their own way, living in this hard world together, and it snows and rains and you get your precious stuff thrown out many many times but you just keep singing anyways, and you keep opening that guitar case and you know as long as you do, it’s all somehow going to be okay and that for-no-reason assurance where the heart gets and that’s why I love this so much, and because he can never really give up and live on with the memories, no matter what, the good and the bad, he keeps it all.

And that’ why he becomes the artist that he is, as well as one who can truly understand the struggle of other fellow artists. Although the period of the story is short, it captures, and is about, the departure of Llewyn from one place to another place, a beginning of Llewyn Davis as an artist, a musician, and one that keeps living and just loves life anyway, shrugs and sings despite everything. Narrow corridor, take you through the journey, it lets you see through like a telescope, all the complicated hearts, small and big, something, a sound waiting at the end of the hallway.

side note: This film uses some essence and character from a memoir “The Mayor of MacDougal Street” by folk singer Dave Van Ronk. He played an important role in the emerging of folk music in the 60s, including association with Joni Mitchell and Bob Dylan.

Japanese review can be read at インサイド・ルーウィン・デイヴィス 名もなき男の歌


Director Ethan Coen, Joel Coen     Screenwriter Ethan Coen, Joel Coen

Cast Oscar Isaac, Carey Mulligan, Justin Timberlake, Adam Driver, Ethan Phillips

Year 2013     Runtime 104 min


Starting when it Ends

willa-holand

It’s quite ironic how I am starting my first piece on this blog, right before an year is about to end. Rewind a few years back, I used to go crazy preparing everything for the new year to come, finishing off diaries and writing unwritten letters, breaking hearts on the missed out books and films, and promising myself that I will be better, more organised, productive next year. I make long detailed new year resolution, which might take up more time planning rather completing even one of them.

This year I would like things to be different. And actually I am surprised at the fact that I don’t really have to try anything, I just don’t really care and mind it anymore. The whole process of “getting-ready-for-something-new” is sort of an illusion, and I know it so well now that I am laughing at myself for all the pressure and anxiety I had to go through every year. Now, I can read, write as freely as the wind, (which is one of the big theme for me the past few months) and feel no guilt nor fear for what is to come.

I am quite ready to embrace everything, including another year with open arms, dreams are getting bigger and fatter every second and I love to think of all the things I can be, the things I might be able to accomplish and the world I get to see.

Hello, my name is mugiho and I love writing, reading so much I am breathing it. Many other loves include film, music, photography, technology, science, philosophy, the list is never ending as with my curiosity.